11 days after you proposed me.

Things are not going so well. But it is alright, i'll just cry infront of my screen.. like as if its the usual thing. The screen, writing has always been there like a shoulder for me to cry on.

Hi ya babe, i cannot reaach you again, i guess u are sad that u have to sit for the Malay test.
i did say i am sorry, and i promised i help... but then again i don't think u'll  believe me anymore.

it hurts to know that i can only blog this feelings and tears, call me emotional. but i do not like to share to anyone, and even when i want to share it with you, you wont be happy either. you must've feel that the world is behind your back when i stress you out.

when u completely shutdown or unhappy, i just want you to know that il be unhappy as well, naturally..
i wished you would remember time to time, that you're reaction affects me. but it looks u simply ignore that. ili sayangkan bebeh, i too do not know how to express myself. but i repeatitively tried to tell.

at times i feel like suicide, *this is just an expression*, slice myself, just so mark all this frustration that i am not making u happy. gosh babe, i wish u know how much u mean to me.. u're perfect to me. it seems i met my match.. i know u can afford to live without me with the pain and everything cos u are spiritually strong.

sigh.. i guess the both of us arent ready to be together 10 years from now... cos i phail.

i miss you in eid!

Salam bwebeh!

i have been quite sensitive lately.. and i miss you. being with you in the same house and not having the same old conversation is really dull.. i wish we could talk normally but i always feel theres like a barrier. and i have to say i am not comfortable with it at all.

i hate the fact we talk more in facebook altho we are in the same house. i wish it could be normal. im desperate, but i know u fear of dad.. but all this makes me confuse at times.. it makes me into a drama-attention-seeker princess.

but come to think of it.. maybe i shud just stop to think about us.. i guess here there is no US.. there is only mohamed abdirisak and our other friend.. sniffs..

this is very boring, i want my quality time bebeh.. im proud and i respect how u can do it bwebeh.. heh.. yeay?!

beh, i wish to share u in my world, but i guess ur not so enthusiastic as i am.

and about the question, u asked wther il be an old grumpy lady when i grow old.. i said yes. u asked why because u do not want a grumpy old lady... well babe, i am honest. i will not lie. if i were to be grumpy, its just between us.. i wont let it be out of our circle.

remember when we get to know each other, i show u my flawless side but i too wanted to share u my flaws sayang..  whats the use of us being together if im fake with you bwebeh? </3 i guess being transparent with u has its disadvantages, its alright. il make a change. u wont know this time. insya'

i fully understand that u cannot handle to be with a drama person. the more i think of it, the more i believe i am babe.. i guess i aint perfect, im sorry im not. i really wish i kud and can. im sorry i aint all that. i hoped to be all that, u noe.. and beh i love you.. sniffs

&& i feel crushed.

i feel crushed. apparently during ma working days i used to think alot while im standing.
day dreaming would be the word. now out of the blue i feel deeply crushed.

in a split second.
im 6 feet under
in a corner
i prayed silently
but its useless.
im dead.
whats end is about to start...

im sad so sad. what makes me feel this way is my insecurities. im sad so sad why im in doubt. im in fear, because anything impossible is possible! his friends are my friends, kud be the ones that he had a crush on, kissed or more =/ yeh they kud prolly already got over it, but it does suck to be the last person to know right? it sucked that if im the person who doesnt know. TRUST MOTHERFUCKER TRUST!

is it safe for some things not to be told? are u sure? am i sure? how about love, my other part of heart fits to his and vice versa, but it will be cracked. i demand to know some other side of point of view!

i demand to know! i want to know! i need to know!.. this.. this DIY hole of mine is getting bigger and if he has a sixth sense it would trigger him to read and open this blog.

Dear Milo.

Dear Milo.

Alot of things has been happening lately. Best said probably when we do see each other or none need to say it all. I do wished though to say it still rather than nothing at all. Although i do know you will never reply as much nor as thick or as wide i will be saying soon because you will be digesting every word i say and you will be consumed while you are away even after reading. Rest assured, it is alright my milo. I do not expect anything nor everything. I just need you to know. I need to share. I need to tell my story, my side... which is your half... your part from the other side of the world.

Sincerely.
Horlick.

29th April 2010!

well today came alright, after a few coax and efforts tried. i managed to pushed my dearest away from me.
"for the better.." he is going to see his family. I can never be happier but i cannot deny that i am sad aswell. he is afterall my half, the other part of me..

OUUUUH! my hubbi, ahmad is such an ass <.< tormenting us... prolly like how ur mumzie would've torment... i appreciate the small precious time we had altho i guess the reason ahmad was being a dick for a reason.. i can be a good guesser but anyhows il just leave that to u to paint the picture.

u left the ciggarette that u were playing about... speaking of memoooorissssssssseeeee left from the person u cared so mucccccchhh! I WILL SO NOT SHOW that emotions.. ahmad would call me kharuf .. ahaha

wow.. malaysia really did feel empty.. the world is moving alright, the heart doesnt really much feel the same. its more like distante..

FRustrating

i hate being a pieces
i hate being loving 
i hate for having such a big heart
i hate for having the patience and understanding
i hate being submissive
i hate doing sacrifices
i hate doing the initiatives just to kill the emotions boiling up
i hate HATE being hate
i hate that hates leads to another
i hate being FRUSTRATED
i hate that it leaves me miserable
i hate that THIS triggers from the person i cared for
i hate that i make a great deal of effort
i hate being optimistic
i hate being positive
i HATE WAITING
i HATE EXPECTING
i hate for the faith i have
i HATE FOR DA SAKE OF IT i do not get a good sleep
i hate for so much what i did i didn't get the same slice of pie.




i HATEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
myself..


EURGH ASS! MYT AS WELL U LEAD UR LIFE SOLO! UR BACHELOR LIFE CAREFREE! DONT U MISS IT HUH? GO AHEAD PUNK!!!!!!! NO REGRETS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!




sigh ='(

Look @ me.

that day shall come

where we will ignore

every stares and every human

but me and you.

you help me carry my bags

i help carry yours

whichever one i can with my strength

with every steps that lead us to parting..

we've been good partners

we've been in such a good relationship

we even believed so much that a part of us belongs to us..

the word " half... my half..."

have you ever thought of the word part similar to depart?

we both know this day would come

where we have to go home and see our families

but i left my heart with yours

things will never feel the same...

can you imagine what i am saying?

my imagination bewilderes me...

but my imagination also leads to conclusion...

a picture.. a diagram and image of what it is like without you...

when we arrive on the same airport.. but not leaving on the same plane...

nor not going to the same aisle... or counters... or...same day

it struck the heart.. my heart feels funny as if its gulping..

wait, hold on.. maybe i am just overreacting..

i don't like details.. but the details of that precious moments 

the time being jealous and the next thing we know we have to go

the next thing we know we had to rush..

chasing time and with every steps, our mind starts to wonder..

and the heart starts to chant with heartfelt emotions..

you can never expect.. what you'll think on that time.

but u can expect that depart is a hard word and you wish it never exist.

but just to add some more,

i cannot imagine when i look at you from the other side...

or prolly il never see u because there are alot of people...

or prolly its just the best for the both of us not to see each other...

flu is bad... flu is contagious... flu is apparently love...

and then.. the exact time where you and i aren't going to the same hall..

i have to carry my own bags, "it's okay honey.. this day would come"

i'd prolly smile.. but deep within i'll start to cry

then the troubles i'd prolly would have to encounter

pushing my bags up there and pushing my emotions deep so i won't cry

 its so good having you around me beh..

you could help your shawty here with her heavy bags

and then i, siting next to random people

i probably would know all of the people in the flight..

but there's no one i know who has my heart to put my head on

you've made me your baby

you spoiled me rotten

and you're my baby too (=

i know its impossible to have you all the time with me

i know its impossible for you to be my air

i know its impossible for to be everywhere with me

but what made is possible is when our heart feels 'connected'..

and that just change the whole perspective

and it gave us life a whole new meaning

you know what's amazing hubbi?

that Allah bless us for being together.

He even gave us 'berkat' or we would never feel its magical!

Alhamdulilah Hi'Rabbil A'lamin.

what's amazing more...

it's US.. it's U and Me

it's our mutual understanding 

our work of handling

our work making things work!

it's Mohamed and Ili!

and this day will come ... 1st of May..

a whole new chapter

a whole new angles

a whole new us

even if we aren't together.

"We make things happen.."